From Pity Party to Pivot

I have a sugar addiction that just won't stop. Every now and then, though, I get something out of it that lasts longer than a dopamine hit.

Dove chocolate wrappers have a habit of making me stop and think. I even wrote about one last year. Today's message hit on a lesson I learned the hard way, and one that comes up often in conversations with my clients:

"No pity parties allowed, only opportunities."

A few truths to start:

• Feeling upset when something doesn't go as planned means you cared about it. That's human, and it's a good thing.
• Change is constant and inevitable.
• So much of what happens in life is simply outside our control.

Change is part of the deal. Some of it is expected, and some of it comes completely out of nowhere. Dreading it, ruminating over it, complaining about it…these are natural responses, and to a point, healthy ones. Expressing frustration and disappointment is part of processing. The question is what happens next.

We've all been there in some form — a layoff, a promotion that went to someone else, a star employee who moves on. These things happen, and they sting.

Getting stuck is the real problem.

Reliving a moment over and over, and staying frozen in a chapter that has already closed, pulls you out of the driver's seat of your own life. It affects you, and it affects the people around you. Most of all, it keeps you passive at exactly the moment when you need to be moving.

The real shift happens when you stop focusing on what could've been and turn toward what could be.

Rationally, most of us already know this. Time and time again, we've experienced that the best opportunities often come on the heels of the hardest chapters. So, why is it so difficult to actually make the move?

While this post was taking shape in my mind, I was listening to Armchair Expert and something Dax Shepard said resonated with me. In AA, a core principle is that you have to change what you do to change how you think. Action comes before attitude. You don't have to feel ready. Moving first is what creates the shift.

So if you find yourself stuck in an overextended pity party, here's a path forward:

1. Acknowledge what didn't go as planned. Be straight with yourself about what happened and why it bothers you.

2. Give yourself a moment to feel it. Feeling frustrated or let down is completely normal. Time-box this based on the weight of the situation, then make a conscious decision to move forward.

3. Do before you feel like it. This is the most important step. Take an action, any action, that moves you from reactive to proactive. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to move.

Some ways to get there: ask a trusted friend or colleague to play devil's advocate, or talk to a mentor or coach. You can also try working through these questions on your own:

• What am I in control of right now?
• What other possibilities exist that could get me where I want to go?
• Have I navigated something like this before? How did I recover and pivot?
• What's the first step I can take today?

The Dove wrapper got it right. There are always opportunities on the other side of a setback. How and when you get there is up to you.